Validation

Validation is a pretty big word; and although I have heard it used often and I understand the general definition, I did not understand its significance to me personally until recently. Those of you who read this blog regularly will know that I recently went through a Traumatic Family Drama and it is out of this drama that I now truly understand the importance of validation.

I lived my whole life with the aim of attaining one thing; my families’ approval and love. Everything I did, everything I said, every decision and every action was taken with the aim of getting my family to show their love for me or praise me. Some of the negative things I did were simply to get their attention as that was sometimes a good substitute for the love I thought I was missing.

I tried to be smarter, prettier, slimmer, better than everyone else; especially my sister who I thought was getting all of the love that I should have been receiving. I felt inferior to her in every way and I believed that if I could just try harder they would love me as much as they did her. It took 40 years to pass and a major trauma to occur for me to realize a few things about myself and family life…


1. I was not the only one feeling unloved
2. Parents cannot give a child something they do not have
3. Love can be expressed in many different ways
4. Life is not like a movie or story book
5. Parents make mistakes too
6. It is never too late to learn how to love
7. And most importantly; the only validation one needs is from one’s self

The mistake I made throughout my life was to believe that if I could just get the validation I desired from my family everything would miraculously be OK. I thought all of my problems would be over and I could live my fairy tale life just like the ones I saw on TV and in books. Little did I know; I was searching for validation from the wrong people.

Through the teachings of the Law of Attraction I now understand that everything I want is an inside job. There is nothing that I need to look outside of myself to gain. Not love, not joy nor health or wealth or validation. It is amazingly freeing to know this. I am now free to be who I want to be and I do not need anyone’s permission or approval to do so. Can you imagine how this feels? Can you understand the freedom in this? Are you free or are you seeking validation and approval from others?

These are important question to ask oneself, I know that they are not easy questions and the answers may not be to your liking, but I can assure you one thing. If you can let go of the need to please others you will be opening yourself up to a level of existence that you never thought possible. I can tell you from experience that I have never felt anything better than knowing that I can make a decision about my own life and it does not matter what anyone else thinks about that decision.

It is the best feeling ever!

I know that right now as you read this you may be thinking, ‘she’s just selfish’, or ‘I cannot just start doing as I like, I have a family and they rely on me’. To this I will say two things…

1. It’s actually OK to be selfish
2. Validating yourself does not mean running wild through life

Plus; in the words of Dr Phil, how is what you’re doing now working for you?

Are you happy and fulfilled?
Not likely or you would not be so absorbed in the words on this page.

Do you live your life with the intention of making yourself happy?
Again, not likely

Most of us don’t because we are taught that to make ourselves happy or to please ourselves is selfish. We are taught (especially women) to believe that we must make everyone else happy and then we will be fulfilled, but what they did not teach us is that once we make everyone happy and they grow up or move on with their lives totally balanced and joyous, we are then left alone with nothing.

But when we learn to validate ourselves and put ourselves first, to believe in ourselves and to understand our own importance and value, everyone around us naturally become happier.

Look at it this way; if a mother is upset and fussy don’t her children behave the same way? The same applies whether you are a parent or not, when you free yourself of the need to gain the approval of others you become happier, when you become happier, that energy transfers itself to those around you and you will also attract happier people into your life.

Isn’t that a way of living worth pursuing?

Many Blessings
Carol xx